Ellie Joy

If I had a dollar for all the times I posted a blog-post in my head, I'd be a millionaire.  :)  But... unfortunately, I am not a millionaire, I don't get paid to post, and you can't know what I'm thinking or all the hundreds of times that I have wanted to update you on my life - or just scribble down random thoughts to remember later.

If you haven't heard, I had a baby.
That's right, I HAD A BABY!!!!!  :)  Whoo who!!  A little girl.  Ellie Joy Goode.  She was born exactly 19 days ago.  And I seriously didn't think I would ever have her.  My whole pregnancy felt unreal.

When I lost Lily Grace in September of 2012, I lost my song and my hope.  I still had hope, I still sang, but something - in my heart - felt seriously different.  I would often find myself struggling to sing along with my pandora music or randomly sing silly songs to Asa.  I would think about it - and I would want to - but I couldn't.  And it was weird.  I noticed it at Christmas.  I would sing a Christmas carol or a little song like Rudolph or Jingle Bells, and Asa would beg me to sing them again - and they would get stuck in my mouth.  There were so many times I couldn't sing back to him.  It was like the song was caught in my throat and I just couldn't get it out.  If I could force it out or randomly felt in the mood to sing (and that was rare and never lasted very long), Asa would light up and I would want to sing on and on just for him - but I couldn't.  It wasn't natural or normal for me - it was forced.

Like I said before, my entire pregnancy felt unreal.  I put off going to the doctor to confirm our pregnancy for weeks and weeks because I didn't think it was true or possible.  When I was so sick I would tell people, "I didn't feel sick with Lily and I'm grateful I feel sick with Ellie because I know she's there" - but I was truly full of doubt at her "there-ness".  It seemed too good to be true.  I would feel Ellie kick in my belly and my heart would sink and I would wonder if I would ever hold her.

When I was about 17 hours into labor with Ellie - she was born naturally, no epidural or pain medications - (though they did have to break my water and give me pitosin to help me progress) - the song we dedicated to Lily came on my pandora station and I sobbed thinking I wouldn't deliver, that Ellie would join Lily with Jesus, and I felt as if I might die too.

And then she was here.
They laid little Ellie on my chest and I was overwhelmed.

A miracle.
An incredible miracle I did not deserve.

And my song has returned.
The first night as I nursed Ellie in our room by myself my mouth burst open in praise.  I sang, and sang, and sang.  We came home and I would sit in my closet on the floor and sing and sing.  My Mom and others that visited the first week would ask me how I was doing - and I felt such incredible joy.  Overwhelming joy.  Light had burst into my darkness, and filled my heart with joy.

Funny her name means "Light" and "Joy" and our prayer for her is that she would be a light shining in the darkness and spread joy to others.  She brought both to me.

But... today I am exhausted.

Ellie is a screamer.  We wonder if she has colic.  For the past several weeks she has screamed, inconsolable terrible gut-wrenching screams.  Her face turns bright red, her stomach gets tight, her little voice deafens all within reach, and her sweet brother retreats into the closet to hide from her saying, "She cries a lot, Mommy."  I'm worn out.  I cry when she cries.  I can't console her.  I tire easily of feeding her as I feel it's all she wants and I could hold her to myself all day long and she would still cry.

It's hard to remember just days ago the overwhelming joy that covered me.
It's difficult to see what an immense blessing she is at 2 in the morning when I just want to hide under my pillow from her wailing.

But she is.
A precious, incredible gift.
Light in our darkness.
Joy to our hearts.

Thank you, sweet Jesus.  Thank you for our Ellie Joy.

Quote of the Week...

The foundation of a missional life is the decision to offer to God our plans in exchange for His plans.  It is to allow the truth about who God is, what He has done, and our new identity in Jesus inform all of life.  It requires that we are willing to leave our world so He can send us to extend His Kingdom.  Whether we choose to engage the call is up to us.

-exerpt from The Tangible Kingdom Primer

Blessings in Disguise

I've been blessed to be with my Mom and my sister this weekend and Sunday I went to church at Lima Community Church of the Nazarene and felt God speak to my aching heart.

My baby girl, Lily Grace, would be around 2 weeks old this week.  It's so hard to think of what could have been.  Our life would look so different had she come.  I wish I could hold her tiny hands and kiss her sweet face.  But for some reason, I can't.  Trusting God is hard sometimes.  Pastor Doug shared about God's love on Sunday and I just felt reassured that even when I don't know why or how, God is at work.

You can click here to hear his encouraging words, and check out the you-tube video below.  I wept as I listened to the words of this song.  Especially the following lines...

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Blessings, Laura Story

Some brutal honesty...

I'm praying for a joyful heart and grateful attitude!

Check out my journal entry today...

Patience and Peace

Philippians 4:6-7

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we  understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I'm working on this. The past two weeks have been crazy (I look forward to sharing details and pictures soon!)... full of God's blessings and goodness, yet also testing me and how I will respond. I want to choose joy in the middle of our time of waiting. I desire to be full of grace and patience, yet so often I find myself reacting selfishly and impatiently.

Jesus, help me. You have done so much for us and I have so much be thankful for! Help me to trust you more and fill me with God's peace.

I leave you with a picture of our sweet two year old!

My Last Day at Work :-(

Did I ever share this sweet family picture with you?
It was taken in May, so almost a year ago - and so we look slightly different, but it's a sweet shot.
I love it.

This is a late night post.
It's my last day at my job at the Health & Wellness Clinic.
I have been so blessed to be their Administrator these past 10 months.  It breaks my heart that I couldn't have been here longer, but I know that God is working - I trust that His plan is better than mine, and I'm excited for the clinic and their new administrator - Missy.  She's going to be awesome.  Here's a link to the Clinic's website - they always are looking for more volunteers and survive due to donations from incredibly generous people.  If you'd like to be involved in the incredible good work they are accomplishing in the Fulton County community, please check out their website and don't hesitate to contact the Clinic for more information.  I will miss the Clinic dearly.

Ugh.  Moving is hard.
It's so bittersweet.

That's it for now... goodnight.
-Kara Joy

A Weekend in California

This weekend was sweet and refreshing - but also spiritually rejuvenating!

   

I have been praying for months, seeking, striving to listen, hoping to hear God speak to my heart, longing for specific direction and clarity - and I have found silence.  Encouragement for moments, strength for difficulty, hope for holding onto faith - but silence to the questions I long to be answered.  I pleaded with God to answer me.  I shamefully admit that I even gave him an ultimatum - and I asked for a fleece and a clear answer in 7 days.  Who does that with God?  That is NOT how I should behave!  Looking back I think, what was I thinking?  In my desperation for Him to break the silence, my reasoning was that Gideon boldly asked God for a fleece - he asked twice for God to work overnight to convince him of the way he should go - and God answered.  But as I look back, I feel silly.  God doesn't owe me anything - he doesn't have to tell me anything!  

On Wednesday - a week and a half after I had given God 7 days, I wept.  I apologized.  I didn't know if God would ever answer my prayer for clarity - but I knew that regardless my response should not be to demand or threaten or walk away from Him, but to graciously submit and praise Him for the ways I see Him working and to trust that even when I don't have specific direction that He is at work and He IS trustworthy.  I preach to the kids in Kids Church every Sunday that we can "Trust God no matter what!" and I was absolutely not acting like I trusted God.  

I packed for California Wednesday night and headed to Choose Joy, a conference for those struggling with infertility and miscarriage and long waits in adoption - and I decided that all I wanted was peace.  I told God that I trusted Him.  My goal for the weekend was to be encouraged by simply being in a room surrounded by others that were hurting and to there find some peace that would help my impatient spirit wait.

And God sweetly, and gently blew me away.

He seriously overwhelmed me with His presence.  I could vividly see Him at work changing lives around me.  And He spoke to my heart!  Over and over again.  There was not silence this weekend.  Throughout the entire weekend were sweet moments that caused me to weep as I heard Him whisper to my aching heart.  He clearly and unexpectedly answered the questions I had been asking Him.  I can picture Him watching my reaction with a huge smile on His face as it completely caught me off-guard.  He calmed fear.  He whispered peace into my hurting heart.  He strengthened my feeble arms and weak knees.  He drew near to me.  He revealed to me some ways that He is working.

It was so beautiful and unexpected.  I feel so uplifted. And - you know how I love to be excited - I left California excited!  :)  I see clearly that God is at work in our broken and hurting world and I also see that I am a part of his Kingdom coming here on earth - and I'm excited.  I'm excited for today and I'm excited for what is to come tomorrow as I continue to seek Him and strive to follow Him.  

Below are two pictures of the other sweet, unexpected experience I had this weekend... sea lions sprawling on the beach just a foot away from us - and a baby sea lion born the day we visited.  Wow.  

God is incredible.  :)