This weekend was sweet and refreshing - but also spiritually rejuvenating!
I have been praying for months, seeking, striving to listen, hoping to hear God speak to my heart, longing for specific direction and clarity - and I have found silence. Encouragement for moments, strength for difficulty, hope for holding onto faith - but silence to the questions I long to be answered. I pleaded with God to answer me. I shamefully admit that I even gave him an ultimatum - and I asked for a fleece and a clear answer in 7 days. Who does that with God? That is NOT how I should behave! Looking back I think, what was I thinking? In my desperation for Him to break the silence, my reasoning was that Gideon boldly asked God for a fleece - he asked twice for God to work overnight to convince him of the way he should go - and God answered. But as I look back, I feel silly. God doesn't owe me anything - he doesn't have to tell me anything!
On Wednesday - a week and a half after I had given God 7 days, I wept. I apologized. I didn't know if God would ever answer my prayer for clarity - but I knew that regardless my response should not be to demand or threaten or walk away from Him, but to graciously submit and praise Him for the ways I see Him working and to trust that even when I don't have specific direction that He is at work and He IS trustworthy. I preach to the kids in Kids Church every Sunday that we can "Trust God no matter what!" and I was absolutely not acting like I trusted God.
I packed for California Wednesday night and headed to Choose Joy, a conference for those struggling with infertility and miscarriage and long waits in adoption - and I decided that all I wanted was peace. I told God that I trusted Him. My goal for the weekend was to be encouraged by simply being in a room surrounded by others that were hurting and to there find some peace that would help my impatient spirit wait.
And God sweetly, and gently blew me away.
He seriously overwhelmed me with His presence. I could vividly see Him at work changing lives around me. And He spoke to my heart! Over and over again. There was not silence this weekend. Throughout the entire weekend were sweet moments that caused me to weep as I heard Him whisper to my aching heart. He clearly and unexpectedly answered the questions I had been asking Him. I can picture Him watching my reaction with a huge smile on His face as it completely caught me off-guard. He calmed fear. He whispered peace into my hurting heart. He strengthened my feeble arms and weak knees. He drew near to me. He revealed to me some ways that He is working.
It was so beautiful and unexpected. I feel so uplifted. And - you know how I love to be excited - I left California excited! :) I see clearly that God is at work in our broken and hurting world and I also see that I am a part of his Kingdom coming here on earth - and I'm excited. I'm excited for today and I'm excited for what is to come tomorrow as I continue to seek Him and strive to follow Him.
Below are two pictures of the other sweet, unexpected experience I had this weekend... sea lions sprawling on the beach just a foot away from us - and a baby sea lion born the day we visited. Wow.
God is incredible. :)
