happy sweetest day!

and another entire month has passed since i last posted.

so much for my empty promise of pictures.

i'm a slacker... or i'm just slacking at the internet... i've been not slacking in work!! i been goin' crazy with work!! :) so crazy that i put my two weeks in and i'm going home. yes, that's right... i'm moving back to lima!! never thought that would happen, huh? well... it's just temporary... i hope to move to columbus, indiana in january where i'll hopefully find a full-time job (i'm interviewing!!) and be close to my ryan. that would be lovely. and!! in the meantime i'll work some part-time job in lima and hang out with my incredible bro and sis... i'm pretty stoked about that. oh, and we have cows!! i'll milk baby cows!! slash give them milk. so yeah... homeward bound i am... i'm moving a week from wednesday!!

today... is a special day. did you know that it is sweetest day? and! it just so happens to be the three-month-aversary for me and ryan. that's pretty hot. i miss him today. and i miss amy today. here's a sweet pic from a few weeks ago when ryan took me to nashville for the weekend and we hung out with chris and amy!! :)

Happy Sweetest Day!!

it's been a month!!

wow.

incredible that an entire month can go by without my updating of this blog. there once was a time when i was addicted to it... i guess growing up can change everything, huh?

i've been thinking alot lately about growing up.
and i still don't want to do it.
but i am. regardless of how much i want to be back at olivet... it is over. :)

this past month has brought a lot of changes for me...

-i've been living with my aunt nancy. she's awesome... and there's this other lady rhonda living with us as well. it's nice to live in a "house" and not a dorm room... yet i struggle with my longing for my own little apartment. i'm living with her while i seek out a job and save up to get my own apartment... so hopefully by the end of the year that struggle will be over! :) but ah, aunt nancy is such a blessing to me. God is good, isn't He? :)

-i'm working like ALL THE TIME!! ;) i have two part-time jobs... which really together has me working more than full time. i just started this past week at panera bread. i really like it. i'm working there during the days and then i work at barnes and noble in the evenings. i still LOVE that job. i could work for barnes and noble forever!! (i won't though, don't worry mom!) ;)

-i'm making plans!! i'm seeking out a full time job in social work and anticipate that i'll still work a part time job on the side, but i'd love to find a job down in southern indiana (near the hot fellow in my life, ryan) and i've been beginning to look in columbus and madison, indiana. it would be awesome if i could find a job and an apartment by the first week of december!! we'll see what happens...

and really other than that i'm just living.

i continue to struggle with consistency in my relationship with God... i have this crazy feeling that that struggle will never go away. just when i think i've got it down and i'm chuggin' away spending time with Him in the Word, i lose my focus and suddenly i haven't taken time for Him in several days. it's so frustrating!! yet, i will continue to fight this battle and someday i will be victorious and i will be consistent!!

i miss people.
i miss olivet.
this weekend i was able to see before tomorrow lead worship at seymour first church of the nazarene.. and it was SOO good just to see tyler and chris and wes and liz and courtney and harold and abby and just hug them!! ah... i miss them!! this coming weekend ryan and i are taking some teenagers from his youth group to olivet and i can't WAIT to see jonathan and kate and b-train and mellow and rainsyl!! and THEN!!! ahh!! the very next weekend ryan and i are journeying south to nashville where my best friend amy and her hot husband chris have been living since the last time i saw them... their wedding day june 14, 2008. i am SO excited to see everyone!! life after college is a hard adjustment. it's weird to live in a place where i know no one and for a long time i was just working at barnes and noble with people a lot older than me (most of them have retired from something and just need something to do!!)... so i've really struggled with that. but once again, God is good... i'm so excited about the young crazy people i work with at panera, and i've been so blessed with my friend ryan and i have so many opportunities to see people these next weeks that yeah, i have nothing to complain about!! :) God is good... all the time!! and all the time... God is good!!

i have some pictures to post from this past month... but i can't do that at the moment as i'm at work!! so follow up soon and you'll get some good hot shots!! i love you!! have a great day!

an update!! :)

Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
-Psalm 27:14

"Gratitude is central to the life God made us for. Until we can center ourselves on what we do have, on what God has given us, on the life we do get to live, we'll constantly be looking for another life."
-Rob Bell

So the past two weeks have been quite the trip!! Two weeks ago I moved from Bourbonnais, Illinois to Anderson, Indiana... but I wasn't quite done with my internship... so after an awesome weekend with my family and Ryan's family in celebration of Ryan's ordination in the Nazarene Church I popped in my little wagon and drove back to Illinois to stay with Brenda for a week, finish my internship and work a bit at Barnes and Noble. It was a rough week... I was so excited to be finished, but goodness gracious, the stress of moving and not knowing anyone or anything and not having any job secure except for a transfer to Barnes and Noble in Noblesville, IN (which was TOTALLY a God-thing, praise the Lord!!) completely overwhelmed me. To top it off... on Thursday as I had gathered up my last papers for the hospital and finished my last class at Olivet ever and was driving to the hospital, I got in my first real accident. I rear-ended a pregnant lady at a red-light. It was horrible. Check out my sad little wagon now... it needs a nose job! :)

Thankfully no real damage was done and while I am currently unable to pop my hood, my car is drivable and the week before I'd gotten an oil change, so I have a little time before I have to worry about fixing the hood. So... I drove to Indiana after being rescued by the Heubners (bless you!) and Friday was Ryan's birthday. I met up with him and then that night we had a huge party in his backyard... the next few pictures are of him and his cake, the band he got to come play for the night (plus the incred Christmas decor he had in his barn that they took advantage of!), and then of us the next two days as we hung out together and got to go to the zoo (which was disappointing... did you know that there are no camels in the Indianapolis zoo!?! Who has a zoo with no gamels!?!) and we went to Kings Island with his youth group. It was a great weekend in the midst of all of my stress!!




I came back to Anderson to this incredible little house I live in with my Aunt Nancy...

And I started working at Barnes and Noble on Wednesday. It's been so busy!! I've been working in the cafe which definitely is stretching me... I miss those books, but I'm striving for excellence and just to be a servant... and I worked every day this week. Tuesday is my first night off... and that's been really good to have so many hours. This week my goal is to get my resume out there hardcore and just be praying and hoping that doors and oppotunities will open up and I'll find a full-time job sometime in the near future. I love living with Aunt Nancy, but it's been an adjustment... I didn't quite realize how alone I would be and I've been real frustrated as I got lost twice on the way to and from work, and I'm pretty good with directions. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the right place, but then I do things like get to work the cafe by myself one night so that the other girl scheduled to work can go home early (not her idea!) so that she can be with her husband who's in the Navy and she hasn't seen since January and he leaves again in a week... and I know that even here God can use me and little things like his and her smiles make it worth it!

Pray for me these next weeks if you think of it... and if you're in Lima Friday night the 29th 7pm-9pm, well you should stop by my house and give me a hug!! The following pictures are of my incredible new yellow room and me in my work uniform on Aunt Nancy's incredible front porch!! One thing I am looking forward to... learning how to garden and become a better cook!! Aunt Nancy ROCKS!!! Have a great night and many blessings on you as you and I strive to trust God more together!!

ugh!

do you ever tell yourself you're going to do something...
and then you never do it?
i'm such a slacker.

over and over again i make myself lists.
here's my to do list for tonight...

-go to the post office
-do social work homework
-call sentry insurance
-fill out financial application
-set up a new email account
-tan
-go biking
-pack up the apartment
-wash dishes

guess what i've done so far.
i have gone to the post office, set up a new email account, and that is all.
something is wrong with me. and now i want to go to sleep.
goodness gracious... where does motivation come from!?!
i need me some!!!

Wildflowers, Jesus, and Ryan Goode :)

In open fields of wildflowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all...

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A Great Salvation through it calls to the people who stare into nowhere...
And can't see the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on their lips
Someday they'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call them and they will come running...
And fall in His arms... the tears will fall down and they'll pray:

"We want to fall in love with You! We want to fall in love with You!"

Seems to easy to call you Savior. Not close enough to call you God.
So as I sit and think of words I can mention to show my devotion...
"I want to fall in love with You! I want to fall in love with You!"


This evening I stole Liz's bike for an hour or so and went on a super awesome bike ride through my favorite place... there are these trails down by the Kankakee River in town behind Perry Farms that go through the woods. I love riding down there. And then... if you go far enough, there's this awesome clearing and just fields that also have trails. Today as I was riding I was just overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. The flowers were gorgeous!! They looked like that picture I found online before... but even better... big sunflowers and pink and orange and purple flowers plus huge tall grasses and white flowers and birds and a little tree here and there. I found myself singing that song over and over, and then found myself stuck on that last verse about people sitting in church hearing the sermon and yet never catching the great salvation, the power, the love, the freedom calling to them behind those words. This past weekend I hung out with this amazing guy... Ryan Goode... pictures below for your look see ;)... and he preached on Sunday about how we are called to live Jesus' resurrection. Jesus isn't dead. He's alive. Why do we live without his power, love and freedom available through his great salvation? Then, tonight I read in John 4:35 where Jesus says "Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest!" What are we waiting for!?! What's holding me, you, us back from living in that resurrection? Often I find myself waiting for the next stage of life... I say to myself, "When I just get out of this internship and really start using my gifts as a social worker... that's when I'll serve God fully." Yeah right!! That day is today!! I need to wake up and smell the roses.

So as I sit and think of words I can mention to show my devotion...
"I want to fall in love with You! I want to fall in love with You!"

Jesus, help me fall deeper in love with You and as a result to live fully in You and adequately show those around me Your resurrection power without waiting for a "more perfect time" to do so. I love you Jesus. Thank you for your great salvation. Help me to not miss its calling.


This is Ryan Goode. He's cool. :)

typical family vacate rap

So today I was really missing Jonathan and I searched on my computer to see if I could find a video of him cuz I figured I had some funny ones. Well I found one... typical family vacate... this was on our way back from some Burkey Family Thanksgiving party... Jonathan rapping, Caleb beat-boxing, Anna singing crazy echoes in the background, and me not having a clue how to contribute to the beautiful noise laughing hysterically and trying to capture the moment with my camera. (And no one ever knows what Mom and Dad are up to!) I was trying really hard not to laugh so you wouldn't hear my obnoxiousness and miss the rap, I even remember having tears in my eyes from holding back my laughter, but ya know, sometimes you just can't hold it in. (Listen for Caleb in the last laugh!)

Enjoy. I miss you Jonathan. And family.

Addiction.

Lately I've been seriously thinking about addiction. And substance abuse. And hope. And getting people unhooked. And I've been thinking about the things that I'm addicted to. And how the apostle Paul says in Corinthians "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food but I will not be mastered by anything." I don't want to be mastered by anything. I don't want to be in bondage to anything. And my heart breaks as I look around and see countless people addicted. To substances. To sex. To violence. To pleasure. To lies. To false hopes. To money. To food. To anything and everything that is flashy and eye catching or dull and promising. Addicted. Trapped. Enslaved. No hope. No promise, or even glimpse of escape. Stuck.

Five times in the last two weeks I've had the opportunity to encourage people addicted to substances: alcohol, cocaine, marijuana; to be free from their bondage. Five times I've said "It's not about what I want. It's about where you are and what you want. You don't have to quit. But I promise you that if you decide you want to, you can." Five times I've talked about support groups and accountability and replacing the addiction with something else. And then I read this and it just hit me... this is what I'd done five times. This is truth. Here freedom is available. Check this out... it's taken from the book "Sex God" by Rob Bell.

There's a passage in the book of Ephesians where it's written, "Those who have been stealing must steal no longer." Which is quite straightforward - don't steal. But the passage doesn't end there. It continues: "but must work, doing something useful with their own hands." But it doesn't stop there. It ends with: "that they may have something to share with those in need."

On the first read, the instructions seem as basic as it gets. But there is much going on here just below the surface. First, the command doesn't stop with the "don't" part. The writer understands that that kind of instruction rarely helps. When we're told not to do something, how often are we truly compelled not to do it, especially if we enjoy it? If it's just me against the lust, the odds are already against me.

But there's something else going on here.

Stealing involves large amounts of adrenaline. The rush of planning, pulling it off, not getting caught, getting something for nothing. And then there's the expectation of next time. If we got something this significant for free, could we steal something even more valuable? What if we raised the stakes, hit a store with a better security system, tested ourselves? Stealing involves the senses, the intellect, a person's fear threshold. It even has a powerful social dynamic. Stealing with someone creates powerful bonds between people. When our adrenaline is pumping, that's a physiological phenomenon. It feels good becasue things are happening with the chemicals in our bodies, with our nerves and brain and bloodstream. If we do that enough, our bodies get used to it.

We could use the word addicted. A person gets addicted to it.

If you tell a person who's stealing not to, and you leave it at that, you've taken something away, but you haven't replaced it with anything. That's why the instructions in Ephesians are so brilliant. The urging to stop stealing is followed by the command to have the person do "something useful with their own hands". The word useful is the Greek word agathos, which is also translated "good" and "benevolent".

Why does the writer mention the hands? Because you steal with your hands. Stealing is a sensory experience, an adrenaline rush involving the hands. The command is to replace one adrenaline rush with another, a better one, one that's good. But it doesn't stop there. The command ends with the person who was stealing learning to do something good with their hands so that they can take care of the needs of someone else. Stealing is about taking from someone. This passage is about giving to someone who has less because you have more. Stealing is the ultimate in being selfish. Making something and giving it away is the ultimate in being generous.

This passage is about something central to what it means to be human. It's about desire. It's about the thief finding something they'll desire more than stealing.

"You thought taking things for free was a rush? Try giving free food to someone who's starving!"

The writer of Ephesians understands that to tell the thief not to steal and leave it at that doesn't have a very high chance of being helpful. The thief will be left with a battle on their hands that will pit them against their craving.

Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of desire. It's about giving ourselves over to bigger and better and more powerful desires.

What if I could empower others to give themselves over to bigger and better and more powerful desires? What if I did that like St. Francis of Assisi and I "preached the gospel at all times but rarely used words"? Christ is the ultimate desire, the bigger, the better, the all powerful solution to any kind of craving and addiction as in Him is real freedom. And what if I could be a part of pointing others to Him simply by encouraging them to search for something with which to replace their desire? To search for something that is bigger and better and more powerful? Wouldn't they eventually accidentally simply just bump into Christ? Because if not, I wanna know what desire is bigger, better, and more powerful than the freedom He offers.

I don't think there is one.